I recently received a call with troubling news.
My first reaction was frustration—this explicit flavor of anger that not only serves to indicate that one’s boundaries have been trespassed, but also that there seems to be nothing that one can do about it.
“Really? This is not fair, who do they think they are!”
As I learned more about the details, the frustration turned into worry—anxiety.
“Crap, this could turn ugly…”
I could feel my heart pounding.
And at that point, partially out of good intentions, but also from of a long history of self-reliance (rooted in the old message that “life is up to me”), I began to come up with “good ideas”.
“Well, I should definitely do this… Or how about I send an email with that?… Maybe I should consider this other thing…”
Fortunately, I quickly realized that good ideas alone were not going to be sufficient.
Right there, God reminded me of Paul’s counsel from a prison cell to his friends in Philippi.
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.”
Or how the Passion translation puts it:
“Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing...”
Ugh, how could I not worry?
Yes, I knew “I was supposed to pray”, but at that moment it didn’t feel helpful, at all.
If I’m honest, Paul’s words felt like one more “commandment” I ought to follow, but miles from what I felt I needed at the time.
“Yes, I know need to pray at some point, but right now I need to do something!”
Thankfully, even in my unbelief I chose to take a step back and invite God in.
What unfolded felt just like a grappling match. With God.
And like the Grandmaster that he is, God effortlessly (and very gently) took me from position to position until he had me where he wanted me, and I had no choice but to tap out…
And in doing so, experience complete and radical peace.
Here is the play-by-play reply.
I offer it to you in hopes that you may take your time, and follow along with whatever in your heart is causing anxiety.
And I pray that as you do so, God may also lead you to experience his radical peace.
[Me]:
“God, what the heck am I supposed to do now…”
[God]:
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray.” - Philippians 4:6 MSG
I stayed right there, trying to quiet my mind… But the chatter was loud.
The whole situation was playing over and over in my mind. Thoughts of every possible outcome.
The “voices” of those involved in this situation were playing over and over…
[Me]:
“Jesus… Jesus… Jesus…”
[Jesus]:
“Cast all your cares on me, because I care for you…” - 1 Peter 5:7
[Me]:
“I know. I know you do. But what do I do? I need to solve this now, make a call, do something…”
[Jesus]: (Silence...)
[Me]:
“Alright…(sigh), alright…“
Deep breath… and another…then a third…
“Jesus, you do care for me…”
I knew it to be true, but I didn’t feel it at that moment, so I kept dwelling in his words, trying to let what’s most true enter my heart.
[Me]:
“Jesus, you care for me…You do care for me… You care for me in this place—in this very situation.”
“Jesus, I don’t have to figure this out on my own… This is not just up to me.”
I stayed there, standing in those truths, until the volume of the chatter in my mind began to fade.
My thoughts were still all over the place but I could now say, from my heart:
[Me]:
“Jesus, I give this all to you…”
“I cast all my cares on you because you do care for me.”
“You care for me”…
“Thank you that you care for me.”
I lingered a bit more and then he said:
[Jesus]:
“The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing"… - Psalm 23:1
I’ve heard those words thousands of times. I know them to be true.
Over the decades I’ve memorized them, prayed them, taught on them.
But hearing them from Jesus, at that very moment, exposed how I was not looking at the present circumstances through the right lens.
I was interpreting—experiencing this situation through the lens of my old story—all the moments where in one way or another I experienced lack.
Where as a result of my emotional, physical and spiritual needs not being properly met, I came to believe this:
“I have to make it happen on my own."
"No one else is really going to help me, so it’s up to me to figure out how to make it work.”
[Me]:
“Thank you, Jesus, that you are my shepherd…”
“And thank you that with you as my shepherd, I truly lack nothing.”
“I invite you to come into my heart and heal every place in me that experienced lack.”
And as I lingered in that place, Jesus reminded me of moments in my story where my experience of the circumstances felt just like what I was experiencing at this moment.
This was deeper than the one circumstance.
This was about my heart and the wounds I have received throughout my story.
[Jesus]:
“…He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted…” - Isa 61:1
[Me]:
“Yes, Jesus, come into this place in my heart and heal me.”
“Heal my wounded heart, Lord. Come and be one with me in this place”.
“Thank you… Thank you that you came to heal me.”
“I receive your healing in this place, Lord.”
That was my tap out. My moment of surrender.
I no longer was fighting—self-protecting.
I was safe and secure in the presence of the one who loves me and truly cares for me.
The one under whose care I lack nothing.
And my heart was once again at home.
You see, God loves us so much, that he will allow things to rattle us so that he can access the core places in our hearts that need his presence, his healing and his love.
And from that place of union, I was able to hear his counsel.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”
I lingered… and then I knew in my heart what I needed to do.
I didn't like it. I would have preferred a different route.
But I had confidence in how I should act, in union with God, in this moment.
[Me]:
“Yes, I really don’t want to do this, Jesus, but now I know what I’m supposed to do in strength, and in love.”
“Jesus, I trust you. And I release all outcomes to you.”
“Thank you that you are faithful and true.
“Thank you that you care for me."
"Thank you that I am not on my own and life is not up to me.”
“Thank you that you are my provider, my protector, my strength and my guide."
"Thank you that you are my advocate. That you are my deliverer!”
“Thank you that as I remain in you, I get to experience your supernatural peace.”
Because the peace that I was now experiencing, in the midst of the still unresolved circumstance, was completely supernatural.
It transcended all understanding.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
I hope that this view into my internal grappling match with God was helpful.
And I pray that as you step onto the mat with him, you too may experience his supernatural peace, which transcends all understanding, in the very situations where anxiety is contending for Jesus’ place as King.
Much love,
— Pablo with WILDSONS.