Note: Today I focus on the relationship between a father and a son, but this “key” is also designed to enter your daughters’ and your wife’s hearts.
I recently had a conversation with a man (I’ll call him Steve) who has been experiencing a noticeable distance between him and his son.
Steve shared how although they still have a good relationship, he hasn’t been able to connect with him as intimately as he used to.
I loved our conversation.
Like most of us, Steve has a genuine longing for connecting with his son at the level of the heart, and offer him all that he needs from him as a father.
His desire is fully aligned with God’s design:
That the father would offer the son love and validation, expressed in a thousand different ways, with words and actions, over the course of his journey into adulthood (and for as long as he lives).
It is what God the Father models for us as he speaks to his son, Jesus, after his baptism in the Jordan River:
“This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”
And this is God’s design—that the boy would always know at the level of the heart, that he is loved and that he has what it takes.
(Can you imagine a world where men knew that we are loved and that we have what it takes, instead of trying to earn it or prove it everywhere we go?)
Now, these messages of love and validation are passed down from the father to the son as they do life together.
Both in the small moments of life, and also during intentional spaces orchestrated by the father as mile-markers in the son’s journey of initiation:
The father invites the son into his world, guides him and teaches him, while allowing him to take risks, so that he may discover who he is as a man, and that he does have what it takes.
But here is where Steve is stumbling upon a common obstacle.
That his son, in this current season, doesn’t seem to respond with excitement to the invitations he’s extending to him to enter into his world.
That he doesn’t seem interested in the things his dad is inviting him into.
I can relate.
A few years ago, in my desire to love and initiate one of my sons, I began to make plans to take him hunting in the Colorado backcountry as a “celebration of boyhood”.
Oh, I could picture our adventure together…
“It is going to be perfect!”
I could see us cracking jokes and farting in our sleeping bags after sharing a meal by the fire.
I pictured us hiking in the dark and witnessing miraculous sunrises together.
I couldn’t wait to teach him to identify elk sign, work with the wind, and move quietly through the aspen groves.
Oh, I even imagined us spotting a bull in the distance, maybe even squeezing the trigger, and together filling our freezer for the winter.
It was a perfect plan… Or so I thought.
As I began to share the idea with my son, and asked him what he thought, he half-heartedly said:
“Hmm.. sure dad, that sounds fun”.
Yikes… His words were the right ones, but behind his timid smile, I could see that his heart was not in it.
“But this is the most amazing plan I’ve ever invited him into, why isn’t he jumping in excitement!?!”
In my disappointment, I went to Jesus.
“Jesus…?”
As I connected with my heart, and with Jesus in my heart, I allowed myself to express to him my confusion and my disappointment:
“This is what every son would want to be invited into by his dad!
Why isn’t he excited?
I would have given anything to be invited into an adventure like this!”
And just as those words came out, I felt Jesus’ kindness and love as he answered:
“Exactly. That’s what YOU would have wanted”
And with those kind words, Jesus turned the lights on and I was able to see.
A big part of this plan was rooted in my longings and desires, but not necessarily in his. At least not at that moment.
But now that I had “eyes to see”, Jesus showed me how this plan would have been too much for him at this age and how he may not have enjoyed it.
“Yep, I understand. There will be a time for this, but it is not now.”
“What, then, do I invite him into?
I want to connect with him and spend quality time together— just the two of us.
I want to celebrate this season of boyhood and create unforgettable memories.”
I was feeling just like Steve.
How do I enter into my son’s heart and intentionally celebrate this season in his journey?
How do I create a space where he feels seen, loved and celebrated by his dad, where we can just hang out together without distractions?
Those were finally the right questions.
And now that my personal agenda was no longer in the way and I could focus on my son and what is best for him, I was able to receive God’s direction.
It was then that he reminded me of six magical words that God spoke to my friend Alex years ago, which served him as a key to access the heart of his daughter, and which have allowed him to connect with her in spectacular ways since then:
“Delight in what she delights in…”
Once again the lights went on. I knew we were on the right trail now.
“Ok… what does my son delight in?”
Easy answer. Legos, Jurassic World, Star Wars, Harry Potter.
“Okey…? Jesus?… What do I do with that?”
The answer came quickly. It was not what I would have chosen, but what would totally speak to his heart:
“Disney. Amusement parks”.
Yep. Instead of sunrises, the sounds of nature, aspens and hopefully elk, I’d be surrounded by thousands upon thousands of people in 100-degree weather, doing hour-long lines for roller coasters.
But this is what God was pointing to, and I knew in my heart that it was exactly what my son needed.
I knew this adventure would be the perfect way for me to intentionally enter into his world in this season, validate his heart, his passions and desires, and love him for who he is.
“Alright, Jesus, I’m in!”
Friends, this was one of the most spectacular weeks of my life.
And most importantly, it was the most spectacular week of his life.
Choosing to “delight in what he delights in” was the key to enter the depths of his heart, connect with him intentionally and without distractions, and celebrate that season of his life.
The whole week was about him.
What he loves, what he’s passionate about.
It was a game changer.
Needless to say, using this key doesn’t require a trip to Disney or a Backcountry hunt.
It is available every single day—right where we are.
What do each of your sons and daughters delight in?
It could be 20 minutes of playing hoops before dinner. Seating down and playing legos. Engaging with their favorite instrument (even if you suck at it).
Maybe it is catching frogs in the ponds around your neighborhood or chasing lizards.
My youngest can spend hours chasing and catching house geckos—will I be willing to spend significant time this coming summer doing that with him?
What about your wife?
What does she delight in?
Would you be willing to pay attention? Ask Jesus? Maybe even ask her?
Will you make the time to play the game she likes?
Take her to her favorite restaurant?
Watch that show or movie she likes instead of convincing her to watch Saving Private Ryan (John Wick? Anchorman?), again?
What is Jesus inviting you to wholeheartedly engage in, because that’s what they delight in?
The key to enter their hearts is right there with you—in your mouth, in your hands, and in your heart.
It only requires your intentional engagement—your willingness to pause and ask Jesus to guide you daily into the treasure stored in each of their hearts.
Much love, —
Pablo with WILDSONS
P.S. Who in your world needs to receive this? Invite them to sign up here.