The weather was perfect that morning and I had about an hour to squeeze in a run. An hour... “If I optimize for distance, maybe I can do 8 miles today… Or should I optimize for speed, run a shorter distance and try to crush the record for this segment of the trail?”
I love trail running. The wind on my face, the smell of the woods and the sound of my shoes pounding on the dirt. I love to feel the sun on my face, the sweat running down my body and my heart beating faster as it tastes more and more of the freedom it was created for.
Lately, however, my joy has been stolen. It started with a nagging pain on my achilles heels. “It’s probably nothing. Don’t pay attention, focus, push harder, this cannot stop you ”.
Until it did. I pushed too hard and I strained my achilles heels to the point I could barely walk. And I found myself on a stretcher at the physical therapist’s office, looking out the window and witnessing a parade of runners out on the trail “living life as it was meant to be”.
My unedited reaction: ”C’mon God, really?”... And as soon as heard my own words coming out, I sensed Jesus right by my side, speaking kindly what I needed to hear, and what He was inviting me into with all this.
“What are you after, son? Why do you push so hard? Why are you so focused on outcomes?
Crap… This was not only about running. This was about my entire life. This was about how I approach everything. Work, projects, relationships, planning a vacation. This was about how I treat my own heart. And as painful as it is to confess, it was about how I often end up treating the people that I love the most.
Why am so I focused on outcomes? Why do results matter to me that much? Why don’t I ever feel like it is enough? Like I am enough?
Sadly, the answer is that since I can remember I have received validation, praise, and love from others, in direct proportion to my ability to produce outcomes. “Do I belong? Of course... as long as I’m coming through for people. Am I validated? Recognized? Sure... while I keep producing results. And by the way, today’s results were not enough. Will I be loved? Maybe... if I (fill in the blank) a little more. But it has never been enough, so I’ve kept pushing and pushing. Until I blew my achilles heels. Or collapsed in bed for lack of rest. Or broke my wife’s heart again because I kept pushing her just like I push myself, instead of loving her.
Every boy (and every man) asks himself whether he is truly loved, unconditionally. And every boy (and every man) asks himself whether he has what it takes. Whether he is enough. As I grew up I never heard a clear Yes from the right source, in the right way. As a result, I brought those questions everywhere I went, hoping unconsciously that one day they would be settled. Hoping that the answer would be Yes one day. Maybe when I accomplish enough, have enough, do enough. Maybe when I am enough. But it is never enough.
What are you after? Why do you push so hard? Why are you so focused on outcomes?
All the love and validation we need is available from our Father God. He is the Only One who can really give it. And His love and His validation for me, and for you, are not conditional on any outcome. I don’t have to earn them. He is right there, constantly, waiting for an opportunity to speak into my heart and love, validate, praise, honor me. And you.
Will you dare to ask Him what He truly thinks of you? Will you dare to believe that He will actually answer? Will you dare to pause and listen?
The weather is gorgeous this morning and I have about an hour to squeeze in a run. What will I optimize for? Speed? Distance? No, not today. Today I will optimize for joy. Today I won’t focus on outcomes. Today I will once again enjoy the smell of the woods, the sun on my face and the sound of my shoes pounding on the trail. And most of all, I will enjoy the presence of my Father who loves me, who approves me, who delights in who I am, no matter my speed, no matter the distance I run. No matter the outcome.
What will you optimize for today?
“Son, listen to my voice today. I love you deeply. Right now. Just as you are. I love your heart, I love everything about you. And I am proud of you. You have what it takes, son. You don’t need to earn it. You don’t have to prove that you deserve it. Son, will you receive my love and my validation for you today? Will you receive my delight and share in my joy?”.
Recommended resources:
Your question or your strength podcast. "Our search for validation and identity as men is the root of all that we do and all that we become." This is a rich conversation between Morgan Snyder and Allen Arnold from Ransomed Heart, two of the mentors who've had the most impact in my journey of restoration and initiation as a man.