I recently wrote about conflict, and the counsel that my dear mentor offered years ago, on how my role (and yours) as a husband is not to be right, but to restore union.
As I mentioned then, this counsel has proven invaluable to me over the years— in my marriage, but also in every one of my most important relationships.
I have to remember it constantly.
Because when conflict arises—when the emotions rush in, I can easily feel that I’m on the receiving end of an assault, and that I have no other course but to fight back.
Interestingly enough, that’s precisely what’s often taking place, although not in the ways that in those moments I (and we) may think.
When we feel attacked—assaulted, there is often someone intentionally behind the assault.
There is someone trying to destroy all that is good and true—our hearts, our loving relationships—everything that truly matters in life.
“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
Yes, we live in a world at war. You live in a world at war.
And as it happens in war, we are often assaulted.
The battle is very real.
And we are meant to fight.
What we often fail to identify in those moments is who our real enemy is.
What you must understand, particularly when the assault is taking place, is this:
The enemy is not your wife.
The enemy is not your boss.
The enemy is not your friend.
The enemy is not the person who made those unfair comments about you.
You see, when the mild disagreement with your spouse turns into a wild fire, there is typically someone else feeding the fire.
There is a third person in the room.
In Revelation 12, John describes our real enemy as “the accuser of the brothers and sisters”, and that’s precisely what he does in those moments.
He whispers accusations to each other, targeting those areas in our hearts that are sensitive.
And then, he sits down comfortably, popcorn at hand, and watches how we shoot at each other, hurt each other, and then part ways wondering what in the world just happened.
James walks into his house, exhausted, at the end of the day.
He kisses his wife and kids.
He opens the fridge and grabs a cold beer.
His wife asks: “Beer?…”
And James, without realizing it, hears a subtle accusation—a quiet whisper in his mind:
“See? Not evan a break…. All freaking day working for them… How ungrateful…”
James answers (with a tone, now): “Is there a problem?”
And now his wife hears the subtle whisper:
“Wow, what’s with the aggression! See? He always talks to you like that, he doesn’t really care about you…”
She answers: “Actually, yes, there is a problem. Why do you always drink?”
And he answers: “Always?! What do you mean, always?!”
You know how the rest of that scene goes… (or check out this one—it is even more poignant).
Once “the third person in the room” starts the fire, all it takes is a little oxygen to make it go wild.
James’ wife cares deeply about him. And James loves her more than anyone else in the world.
But they are naive and don’t realize that their marriage is under assault.
That their entire lives are opposed.
The good news, however, is that there’s much that we can do about this.
After Peter mentions how we have an enemy looking for someone to devour, he urges us to fight back:
“Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”
Yes, you’re not just blowing it.
Every one of us is “undergoing the same kind of sufferings”.
But we can resist him, standing firm in the faith.
And in the case of relational conflicts, it can look like this:
1. Identify the threat
It all starts with awareness. In the case of James and his wife, neither of them realized they were under assault.
When the emotions begin to rush—when we experience the pull to react in self-protection (typically the microsecond after a comment, and the following whisper of the enemy), that’s when we are at risk of “taking the bait”.
That’s when we can’t allow ourselves to simply react.
Instead, we must create space.
2. Create Space
This means taking a quick break to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else you can find some breathing room before taking that bait, and reacting emotionally.
Then, taking a deep breath, recalibrate, and reconnect with God, so that then you may be able to take action against the real enemy.
3. Resist
As a son of God and friend of Jesus, you carry much more power and authority than you know.
“I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.”
And overcoming the power of the enemy, in this context, means enforcing the Kingdom of God against whatever is set against you.
In my case, I recently experienced Division coming against me and against my marriage.
But at any given moment it could be Misunderstanding, Strife, Anger…
Whatever it is—you must resist.
And resisting could sound like this:
“I now bring the fullness of the work of Christ against all Division set against me and my wife. And I command full and final judgement against it, in the name and in the authority of Jesus Christ”.
You may want to stay in it, and repeat it a few times, from your heart. Give it some time…
And then, bring it to an end with the good stuff:
“Jesus, I know invoke the fullness of your love over my life, over my wife and over our marriage. I ask you to fill my heart and my wife’s heart to overflow. Strengthen our union. Strengthen my love for her, Lord.”
And as you dwell in these prayers, with some time, you’ll experience the dark clouds dissipate, your heart come up for air, and the readiness to get back there and love her well.
Much love,
—
Pablo with WILDSONS